Caught Off Guard

Living in the same town I grew up is both a blessing and a curse, as is having the ability to blast everything out on social media.  Amarillo is not that small of a town, but it’s small enough that everyone seems to know everyone else’s business.  The gossip mills are constantly running around here.  I almost always find this to be completely annoying and frustrating, except for in one little instance.

I have never run into someone from my past that hasn’t known that my brother passed away.  Between the news spreading mouth to mouth in rapid fashion and people posting their condolences online, nearly everyone I know has heard about my brother’s passing.  Most people have either reacted to seeing me with kindness and sympathy or just avoided the subject all together, which is fine with me.  Sure, everyone thinking they knew everything about my brother’s death in the beginning was hurtful.  The rumors were flying.  Everyone had a story about it, and for them to think that it wouldn’t find its way back to his family was, quite frankly, ignorant on their part.  Anyone who fueled the fire of the rumors should be ashamed of themselves, because this only hurt our family even more.  There are only two people who know exactly what happened and why it happened, and any one else’s story is pure speculation.  But I’m telling you, not having to explain to everyone I run into that my brother died has been a good thing.  I had never realized that God was protecting my heart in that capacity until recently.

A couple weeks ago I ran into Starbucks to grab coffee for myself and a friend.  Out of the corner of my eye I see someone who was a very close friend of mine in high school and the beginning of college, but we have lost touch in the many years since then.  I know that his family still lives here, but he has his own little family now in the Houston area.  I said his name, and gave a quick hug and we went over the small talk of where we are now in our lives and how many children we have and blah blah blah.  Then it happened.  He asked, “How’s your brother; does he still live around here?”

Talk about a deer in the headlights moment.  Seriously, I feel like everything went dark and there was a giant spotlight on me with a crown watching.  I was caught completely and utterly off guard.  How did this person, a person that was a member of my innermost circle back in the day, not know about my brother?  Has he shut himself off from all of us that still occasionally talk?  Our other friends came to my brother’s service…his parents still live here…HOW THE HECK DOES HE NOT KNOW????  I’m sure these thoughts took up about 2.5 seconds, but it felt like an eternity passed.  I finally muttered, “Uhhhhhhhh.” (Genius, right?)  What do I say so I don’t cry and make him feel like a complete idiot?  “Actually my brother passed away about a year and a half ago.”  That’s it.  I got the words out, as uncomfortable as they were.  Thankfully in that moment my friend reacted with kindness and not shock.  He didn’t ask me how or what happened.  He just offered his apologies and condolences and went on.

Whew!  I know in that moment he felt horrible for bringing it up, and I found myself feeling bad for him for knowing that he caught me off guard.  But you know what, I made it through a situation that I’ve really never had to face.  I didn’t cry.  Sure my heartbeat sped up and my palms may have been sweaty and I may have said, “Uhhhhhhhhh”, but I didn’t run away.  I faced the awkwardness of that moment head on.  And I survived.  I went back to the car with shaky hands and finally took a deep breath.

That’s what I always say, right?  You’ve just got to do one thing, and it’s to breathe.  I’m thankful that I didn’t have that experience until God knew I was ready for it.  I’m thankful that my friend showed me grace in the silence before I was able to answer his question.  And I’m thankful for each day that I have that I get to just sit back and breathe.  And yes, as I think back to that day and the look that must have been on my face and the brilliant reply of “Uhhhhhhh” I have a smile on my face and sit here shaking my head.  It’s good to be able to find humor in the awkwardness that is me.